Mum’s the word

December 8, 2011 in Latest, Life

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Shhhh!

I never knew that motherhood could be so empowering yet debilitating both at the same time. In many ways becoming a mother has made me a much stronger person, more self assured in a way, but then there’s a little part of me in my mind that I can see rocking back and forwards, twisting my fingers in knots with the angst that I feel when I think about the safety and well being of my children. This may be a bit morbid but I have run through my head many times the thought of losing my children, trying to tell myself that I’d cope and just move on with life, but I know that wouldn’t happen.

Being a mother really pushes you and your mind to the limit and forces you to find an inner strength that you never knew you had because there will be times in your child’s life when you have to swim like a swan – looking graceful and calm, whilst underneath it all you’re kicking like crazy to keep afloat.

This love is a painful and heart / gut wrenching kind of love, but it’s a love that has and still does make me a stronger person. Its helps me deal with my demons and melted the ice that was setting around my heart.

I knew before we had children that it was going to be a bumpy ride but there is honestly no book or manual that can really help you deal with or prepare for how to bring up you children successfully, there is no perfect solution. Things can go swimmingly for a while and then WHAM, something slam dunks you like Big Daddy in his hey day.

So ensues the doubt – am I really a good mum? (I’m not saying this for sympathy) do they really like me? – are they getting bad vibes from me?. This then, I feel, makes me over compensate and probably overwhelm them with affection. Perhaps they don’t like to be touched so much, but then that upsets me because then I think what if I have children that don’t like being hugged or kissed – I think my body would explode if I couldn’t give out cuddles!!

Sometimes it all feels like too much and I honestly want to down tools and running away. I try and give over this sense of being a supermum and it’s great that people around me think I’m doing a good job, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that I can always do better and that there’s something that I am missing.

When I was younger, no, I would say right up until I had the twins, if I ever got myself into a situation where I couldn’t cope or didn’t think I was doing a good enough job my solution was to always walk away, which often meant to my detriment as I ended up missing out on something or looking back with deep regret and the opportunities I could’ve had. With kids that’s not an option – which in a way is a good thing I guess because it means I can’t give up, I have to put on my armour and be brave.

To try and get rid of a bit of stress, I head for the gym and whilst I’m there I watch a bit of Jeremy Kyle (I know I feel dirty!) It actually does wonders for my confidence in being a mum because some of the women that go on there have very messy stories that their children are probably witness to which in turn have effected their lives.

Deep down I know I’m doing ok and that this is just a mini bump, but it leaves me wondering how I’ll cope when we have bigger mountains and tougher climbs to face. Fortunately, unlike some of those mums on Jeremy Kyle, I’ve got a huge support system around me and Rick is an amazing dad, so even if I do slip or loosen my grip a little, I have the plenty of rope to hold on to.