Guest Post: Christmas fun – Letters to Santa and his replies

christmas eve
Image by liangjinjian via Flickr

Note from the Ed. We all assume that Santa is happy and Jolly… but what if he isn’t? Humor writer Suzan St Maur shows the alternative side to Santa

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool xbox fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in road sweeping. How about I send you a f****** book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the X-box. At least HE can spell!

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked weed when they conceived you, didn’t they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad’s banging the au pair like a sh*thouse door in a gale force wind. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mum, who gives him grief constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. Santa

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Milk gives me the squits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I’m driving them in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a small villa near Los Angeles, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly, doing a few drugs and squeezing the arses of pole dancers while losing money at the baccarat table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m not going to your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

The whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting bullied at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a council flat. Third, I get inside your place just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

Dear Santa,

I’ve written to you for three years now asking for a toy fire engine. Please, I really really want a fire engine this year!

Love, Kenny

Dear Kenny,

Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire engines than you’ll know what to do with.

Santa

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This is a guest post from humor writer Suzan St Maur, she can be found regularly blogging about writing at How to Write Better

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  • Morag

    Love them all, especially the last one!!

  • Maria

    http://mariamuir.com/2010/12/16/what-if-santa-answered-his-mail-honestly/

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